New Poem: Rott Iron Chairs

This is about me looking for love in all of the wrong places.

Chair by chair we sit aligned. Green
at the sides the iron grows tired
and worn.

I wanted to sit close,
comfortable. Close enough
to touch far enough to seem
apathetic. After all, he did.

Giving just enough looks,
enough winks to keep me
convinced. Convinced that the light
had hit me differently. Convinced
that I was different than the rest.

We sat side to side.
No eye contact needed. Strictly
Business. Risky business.
Enough to take it outside.

My nervously electrified breath
Clashed with the summer night’s
Speckled sky. Eyes drawing to a close,
I let my head roll back. My position punched
the poison that filled my lungs toward my spine.

Cough.
That’s okay.
Cough.
One more baby, you got it.

If I took it—I got it.
One more hit was all I needed.
Just another way to
Melt my way into a trance where I was
Beautiful. In a different way.
The unique way—
hard way.

The kind of beauty that you had to
Work for. Look for. The kind you had to
Find.

That was something I’ve always wanted
But never really got. Something that kept
Lurking on my imaginary wish list.
And since Santa never gave it to me,
I tried to buy it my self.

So I tried to act shy
Try to act loud
Try to act broken
Try to act like
I’ve never been kissed.
Try to act all dirty
Yeah babe, I’ve done it all.

But its too easy to act and
too hard to actually be.
But that night I was who I wanted
To be.

Who I was. Just like you—
A bad kid with a mystery.
Rebel without a cause—
Just like you.

Wait…is that really me?
I don’t remember
I can’t remember

All I know, with everything
I’m still all alone. But I’ll just sit here
And act like you want me too.
Sitting comfortably in two
Uncomfortable chairs. With you.

Looking past whatever I remembered.
Recording a memory that will play
On repeat until I realize.

But I’ll find another drum. One with a
Bitterly welcoming beat. To keep my
Brain convinced that I’m that type of
Beautiful. That alone with forever
Trick my brain into believing that
I’m not alone.